Last night I watched the original Disney cartoon of Alice in Wonderland and after that, spent some time reading Livvie Owen Lived Here, a book from the perspective of an autistic girl.
My allergies were bothering me, so before heading to bed, I took some Benadryl.
I fell asleep and found myself in a terrifying world where everything was upside-down. Somehow I knew that if I said the right words, everything would be okay again.
But the words were elusive. I tried and tried to say them, to capture them with my tongue. Words and sounds came out, but they were all jumbled and wrong.
I woke up in a cold sweat, mumbling nonsense phrases desperately like a mantra. Stumbling into the kitchen, I poured myself a glass of water and drank it with shaking hands. Still, over and over in my mind, phrases and words strung themselves in circles.
I grabbed a blanket and headed for the couch, not wanting to wake my husband.
I slipped back into my dream as if I’d never left.
All night I waged a war, trying to commandeer my words. They pranced and danced about me, just outside my grasp.
It suddenly struck me this morning- is that what it is like for someone who is autistic? A world upside-down? Filled with backwards things and elusive words?
Is Alice’s nightmarish Wonderland the way our world appears to an autistic child?
An interesting supposition…I thought more of the person who has suffered a stroke and lost the ability to communicate there thoughts to the outside world because of expressive aphasia.