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Tired Musings on My Life, Disorganized Thoughts, and Random Journaling

I was just reading back over some things that I wrote 4 years ago and I am both amazed by how much has changed… and how much hasn’t.

Be prepared for a somewhat complain-y and rant-ish post to follow, if you choose to continue reading… I’m pretty much just journaling my thoughts out in a stream right now. I just felt like blogging instead of writing it out on paper.

Anyways, in many ways, compared to 2014 me, I am in a totally 100% improved place in my life.

Thomas is amazing. Our relationship still continues to awe me with how open and natural and safe it feels. I didn’t know a marriage could be like this and no matter what complaints I may have about other things in my life, I wouldn’t trade what we have together for anything.

As far as employment is concerned, I’m working with children on a daily basis, which is something I wanted for so very long. It’s exhausting, to be sure, but also in many ways, what I love to do.

I’ve made a good friend here, which has been a huge blessing to me. We’ve found a church, even though I’ve been much less faithful in attendance than I feel like I should be.

I’m so much more at ease with myself than I used to be, now that I’m not constantly in a state of fear or anxiety. Being physically removed from several very toxic people that were in my life then has done wonders for my self confidence and self image.

I’ve nearly completed getting my CDA, which in it’s own right is an accomplishment, but also represents another thing, which is pursuing further education in regards to teaching and children. That has long been a desire of mine.

In other ways, I’m in the same or a very similar state to where I was years ago, however. I still find myself longing, almost obsessively, to be a mother and wondering if I ever will be. I still feel decades older than I am and I’m still scared by the passing of time, probably now more than ever. I still struggle with depression, though not in the same way and definitely not for all the same reasons.

And in yet other ways, there are new struggles that I face now.

Loneliness is very present here. I miss my church family back home and my multitude of friends and the comfort of knowing most people and places around me. I still haven’t adapted since the move almost two years ago, which admittedly, is my own fault and due mostly to lack of effort on my part.

I’ve gained enough weight to be officially classed as obese, something that’s never been an issue to that extent previously. I mean, I’ve been chubby, but not like this. I know I need to make some drastic changes, but I haven’t been able to stick with anything so far.

Even though I love my job and many aspects of living here, the counter-balance is how very tired I am all the time and how often I get sick, not to mention how much I loath the heat. As a far northerner, born and raised, I literally have zero tolerance for the combination of humidity and temperature that the south exists under, especially during the summer months.

So yeah, that’s… what I’ve been thinking about. I just looked at the time and realized that it’s really late and I have to work tomorrow and the long holiday weekend is over, so I’d better sign off for now.

I’m going to try and get back into creative writing more. We’ll see how that goes!

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About goatgirlbookworm

My name is Toni Clegg, and I was raised on a farm in the far north of the United States. I love to read and write and I hope to use those hobbies in a greater way in the days to come. One of my passions is using whatever influence I have to make a difference in the world.

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