Sad News…

Many of you know that in July, I realized, with great joy, that I was expecting a baby. My husband and I found out today that our little baby has died in my womb.

Several days ago, when I began to suspect that a miscarriage was eminent, I wrote a letter to the baby. I wanted to share it will all of you.

(Just a quick explanation, during first ultrasound, the baby’s heartbeat looked just like a firefly, blinking happy and strong on the screen. Thus, the nickname, “Firefly”.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dearest Little One,

I don’t know whether you are a boy or girl, what color your eyes or hair will be, or what your personality is like. But Sweety, your Mommy loves you so very much! I want to hold you so badly… to look into your eyes and tell you how very special you are. And I know, no matter what happens, someday, I will get to do those things.

Right now, your Mommy is very scared that she is losing you, but the truth is, no matter if you are born into this world alive, or just are carried into that other perfect place without me, I won’t be losing you. I’ll know where you are.

I’m so glad that I know Jesus, because I know that He loves you, even more than I do. The mother’s heart beating in my chest, loves you with every fiber, but Jesus’ heart is so much bigger than mine.

I hope I get to see you in seven months, but if I don’t, please know that I’m going to see you in what may only feel like days to you. I won’t forget you, if that happens. But, I won’t dishonor your memory by allowing myself to become bitter and angry either. I will remember you with love, pure love, and though I will miss you, I will know you are safely home, in the most loving arms.

See you sometime, my little Firefly,

Hugs and kisses,

Mommy

Our one and only picture of our baby, "Firefly".

Fighting Gray… By Toni L.A. Cross

Noble warrior renowned

Listen to this harrowing sound

Draining cries of earth’s deep sorrow

We will live to see the morrow?

Life is leaking from a crack

Faceless death will now attack

Who has left us silent here?

What foe won’t visibly appear?

We know not who or why we fight

Though we press on in this bleak night

O! That gray would fade from sight

And black be black and white be white!


How Faith Is Found… By Toni L.A. Cross

If you don’t know how faith is found

Then watch this sparrow hit the ground

And listen for the whispered voice

And wait to see Him give me choice

To choose my way to death or life

To pick a path of joy or strife

He forces not the best on me

Nor scorns my fall for all to see

His hand is still beneath my form

Waiting to shelter me in the storm


Learning how to grow with my faith…

I keep looking for my faith to feel the way it did when I was younger. It isn’t happening.

Don’t get me wrong- this isn’t what I would  term a crisis of faith. I haven’t given up on God. I am not turning my back on Christianity.

 It’s just that my faith fits different than it used to. You know the feeling you get when you try on a favorite pair of jeans after you go on a diet? Suddenly they are looser and you almost feel like you are breaking them in all over again. It isn’t BAD, but it is uncomfortable and awkward. You still love your jeans, but you have to learn how to wear them again.

Okay, so maybe I’m stretching the analogy a bit far, but you get the idea.

I love God. I am serving Him the best that I know how. But now, I need to find that new place of relationship, a different level of intimacy, new territory, with harder rules.

…and that’s where I’m at, folks…

Conscious and intentional falsehood

I found this utterly fascinating! Click the underlined words to see the full Hebrew/Greek definitions.

Rom 1:25 for that they exchanged the truth (what is true in any matter under consideration) of God for a lie (conscious and intentional falsehood), and worshipped (to fear, be afraid, to honour religiously, to worship) and served (to serve for hire) the creature (anything created or the sum or aggregate of things created or even the ACT of creating) rather than the Creator, ( The One who completely changes or transforms, forms and shapes) who is blessed for ever. Amen.