Not What I Thought It Would Be by Toni L.A. Clegg

Tomorrow is never a guarantee

This truth is present and weighty

Time is ticking towards thirty

This future I cannot quite see

Finds me, now a divorcee

In this strange land where I’m oddly free

It’s not what I thought it would be

Married again, a mother wannabe

Yet I pause here in place like a lonely tree

Unmoved by the wind and the whispering sea

Missing my pain like an amputee

 

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Learning how to grow with my faith…

I keep looking for my faith to feel the way it did when I was younger. It isn’t happening.

Don’t get me wrong- this isn’t what I would  term a crisis of faith. I haven’t given up on God. I am not turning my back on Christianity.

 It’s just that my faith fits different than it used to. You know the feeling you get when you try on a favorite pair of jeans after you go on a diet? Suddenly they are looser and you almost feel like you are breaking them in all over again. It isn’t BAD, but it is uncomfortable and awkward. You still love your jeans, but you have to learn how to wear them again.

Okay, so maybe I’m stretching the analogy a bit far, but you get the idea.

I love God. I am serving Him the best that I know how. But now, I need to find that new place of relationship, a different level of intimacy, new territory, with harder rules.

…and that’s where I’m at, folks…