Waking from a dream…


It is morning, a strange morning, at that.

Somehow, nothing traditionally considered breakfast appeals to me. I reach into the fridge and pull out a snack pack from the bottom shelf. I plop myself down on the couch and absent-mindedly begin to eat. The comforting taste of chocolate pudding coats my tongue and I sigh, remembering. Memories of a big green bowl, dotted with the cool sweat of condensation on the outside and filled inside with a pristine lake of chocolaty goodness. For a second I am nine again, a big metal spoon in hand. I can feel the smooth texture and the sense of pride at making my first batch from scratch.


Then, the dreams I awoke from an hour ago begin to haunt me once more. When my eyes fluttered open, they were salty and stinging with tears that hadn’t quite been cried. My mind ponders the alien grief that made its way into reality. I have no reason to be sad, but somehow this melancholy lingers.


I scrape the last bit of pudding from the recesses of the plastic cup and I begin to type…


after the storm… by Toni L.A. Cross


she finds herself surrounded

by glinting jagged pieces

the light filtering through

is warm golden brown

and it plays on the puddles

of spilled fermented froth

a small cut on her arm

oozes blood unnoticed

in the wake of torrential sobbing

hiccuping sighs and gaspy breathes

are melting in the air

the sick-sweet smell of vomit

clinging to her hair

the strength to pick up

the mop is gone

it stays in its place

and she wishes she could just

disappear like

the evaporating beer

Destiny Dream… Toni L.A. Cross


The words resounded mellifluous

It seemed like a distant pleasant dream

Telling prospects so adventurous

Likely composed of a vapor stream

Daring that somehow its really true

My beautiful future now concrete

Solid consciousness jumped up and flew

The ground said farewell to my bare feet

Stepping on a path I cannot see

Walking in purpose and destiny

Autistic Alice: A Dream?

Last night I watched the original Disney cartoon of Alice in Wonderland and after that, spent some time reading Livvie Owen Lived Here, a book from the perspective of an autistic girl.

My allergies were bothering me, so before heading to bed, I took some Benadryl.

I fell asleep and found myself in a terrifying world where everything was upside-down. Somehow I knew that if I said the right words, everything would be okay again.

But the words were elusive. I tried and tried to say them, to capture them with my tongue. Words and sounds came out, but they were all jumbled and wrong.

I woke up in a cold sweat, mumbling nonsense phrases desperately like a mantra. Stumbling into the kitchen, I poured myself a glass of water and drank it with shaking hands. Still, over and over in my mind, phrases and words strung themselves in circles.

I grabbed a blanket and headed for the couch, not wanting to wake my husband.

I slipped back into my dream as if I’d never left.

All night I waged a war, trying to commandeer my words. They pranced and danced about me, just outside my grasp.

It suddenly struck me this morning- is that what it is like for someone who is autistic? A world upside-down? Filled with backwards things and elusive words?

Is Alice’s nightmarish Wonderland the way our world appears to an autistic child?

My Horizons Have Widened…

To make a very long story short, I have essentially living as if I believed in predestination, but predestination I can screw up.

Not a happy existence.

I spent most of my time wondering and miserable.

 Am I doing the right thing?

Is this the perfect best for my life?

Why am I not hearing what God wants me to do?

Is it wrong to decide to do something, if I haven’t heard God clearly say I should do it?

Can I actually make any choices of my own or do I have to spend a lifetime trying to read God’s mind?

But then, I took a course called “The Mystique of Human Leadership” and the professor stressed over and over and OVER that God created us as THINKING beings with a brain and that God wants us to use that brain to make choices about our lives. Yes, some really big things are set in stone by God, but other things -MOST things- are left up to us.

Talk about freeing!

I can actually do and be what/who I want to be!

…on that thought….