Grandma

Photo by Rod Long on Unsplash

Moments mapped on skin

Wrinkled, sun-kissed, thin

Years of hopes and dreams

Bursting at the seams

Wisdom in her eyes

Wistful tired sighs

As I reminisce

How can I say this

Silent, I sit here

Choking back a tear

So much is unsaid

Swirling in my head

Looking at her face

My heart trapped in place

Her arms were my nest

When I was distressed

She was always there

Strong and full of care

Is this our last hug

Quiet, safe, and snug

Not ready to grieve

I don’t want to leave

Maybe if I hide

Very deep inside

Time will stop and wait

Before it’s too late

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Not Here… by Toni L.A. Cross

Perfect, innocent thing

so helpless and young

swaddled in my womb

my mind imagines you so perfectly

and my heart wishes you here so desperately

that sometimes I almost think it is so

Soft, downy thing

so tiny and warm

nestled against my breast

my senses conjure you so perfectly

and my soul dreams of you so desperately

that sometimes I almost think you never left

Surrounded by Tombstones… by Toni L.A. Cross

Surrounded by tombstones

I’m claustrophobic

Within the walls

Of this confining minute

Tomorrow dies

While I breathe

The stale air of Today

Yesterday seems so dear

With its familiar expanse

Wooing me backward

Into the graveyard

Of my mind’s idyllic perfection

And the clock

Pounds out seconds

With slow precision

Melting into a lullaby

As I slip inward

And farther from

The Now

Sad News…

Many of you know that in July, I realized, with great joy, that I was expecting a baby. My husband and I found out today that our little baby has died in my womb.

Several days ago, when I began to suspect that a miscarriage was eminent, I wrote a letter to the baby. I wanted to share it will all of you.

(Just a quick explanation, during first ultrasound, the baby’s heartbeat looked just like a firefly, blinking happy and strong on the screen. Thus, the nickname, “Firefly”.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dearest Little One,

I don’t know whether you are a boy or girl, what color your eyes or hair will be, or what your personality is like. But Sweety, your Mommy loves you so very much! I want to hold you so badly… to look into your eyes and tell you how very special you are. And I know, no matter what happens, someday, I will get to do those things.

Right now, your Mommy is very scared that she is losing you, but the truth is, no matter if you are born into this world alive, or just are carried into that other perfect place without me, I won’t be losing you. I’ll know where you are.

I’m so glad that I know Jesus, because I know that He loves you, even more than I do. The mother’s heart beating in my chest, loves you with every fiber, but Jesus’ heart is so much bigger than mine.

I hope I get to see you in seven months, but if I don’t, please know that I’m going to see you in what may only feel like days to you. I won’t forget you, if that happens. But, I won’t dishonor your memory by allowing myself to become bitter and angry either. I will remember you with love, pure love, and though I will miss you, I will know you are safely home, in the most loving arms.

See you sometime, my little Firefly,

Hugs and kisses,

Mommy

Our one and only picture of our baby, "Firefly".

Infinite Agony… By Toni Cross

You infiltrated the atoms of this heart

The essence of me is ripped apart

 This suction inside of me

 

 This vacuum where you should be

  

My blood pours out into pools

From a gaping wound, scarlet dribbles and drools

  

Your roots once crept into my soul

And now I’m nothing but an empty ghoul

Wandering lost in my own skin

 Breathing air that’s hopeless and thin

Oh to sleep and not to dream

Without this pain, unending scream

 

Infinite second of agony

Never, ever cutting me free

All my tears of rage are shed

I’m left here to live as if I were not dead