I close my eyes

And something dies

Reality doesn’t match these lies

I speak with sighs

My heart won’t rise

Held down with hidden ties

I’m not awake

I cannot break

Can’t let go for your sake

Is it fake

This choice I make

To give and give and never take

I love you so

I hope you know

I pray you never meet my inner foe

I want you to grow

To shine and glow

To be who you are and let it show

Inner Turmoil

Grandma

Photo by Rod Long on Unsplash

Moments mapped on skin

Wrinkled, sun-kissed, thin

Years of hopes and dreams

Bursting at the seams

Wisdom in her eyes

Wistful tired sighs

As I reminisce

How can I say this

Silent, I sit here

Choking back a tear

So much is unsaid

Swirling in my head

Looking at her face

My heart trapped in place

Her arms were my nest

When I was distressed

She was always there

Strong and full of care

Is this our last hug

Quiet, safe, and snug

Not ready to grieve

I don’t want to leave

Maybe if I hide

Very deep inside

Time will stop and wait

Before it’s too late

The Human Heart… by Toni L.A. Cross

Muscle moving

 By sheer will

The heart endures

Twice its fill

Lone and braving

The dark night

The heart dreams of

Morning’s light

Titan of the

Mortal’s frame

Onward blaze and

Never tame

Sad News…

Many of you know that in July, I realized, with great joy, that I was expecting a baby. My husband and I found out today that our little baby has died in my womb.

Several days ago, when I began to suspect that a miscarriage was eminent, I wrote a letter to the baby. I wanted to share it will all of you.

(Just a quick explanation, during first ultrasound, the baby’s heartbeat looked just like a firefly, blinking happy and strong on the screen. Thus, the nickname, “Firefly”.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dearest Little One,

I don’t know whether you are a boy or girl, what color your eyes or hair will be, or what your personality is like. But Sweety, your Mommy loves you so very much! I want to hold you so badly… to look into your eyes and tell you how very special you are. And I know, no matter what happens, someday, I will get to do those things.

Right now, your Mommy is very scared that she is losing you, but the truth is, no matter if you are born into this world alive, or just are carried into that other perfect place without me, I won’t be losing you. I’ll know where you are.

I’m so glad that I know Jesus, because I know that He loves you, even more than I do. The mother’s heart beating in my chest, loves you with every fiber, but Jesus’ heart is so much bigger than mine.

I hope I get to see you in seven months, but if I don’t, please know that I’m going to see you in what may only feel like days to you. I won’t forget you, if that happens. But, I won’t dishonor your memory by allowing myself to become bitter and angry either. I will remember you with love, pure love, and though I will miss you, I will know you are safely home, in the most loving arms.

See you sometime, my little Firefly,

Hugs and kisses,

Mommy

Our one and only picture of our baby, "Firefly".

Kay’s Story (Part Fifteen)

Stop! This is the fifteenth episode!

Looking for the beginning of Kay’s Story?

I’m going to be a mother!

This statement of realization is usually followed by another eight or so months of pregnancy for most women. For Kay, it was her giddy chant as she made her way down the steps of the courthouse. She practically skipped all the way to her car.

The process wasn’t completely over yet, there was still a six month trial period before the adoption could be finalized. But today was the beginning! Today, Destiny Marie was coming home!

At the hospital, Makayla greeted her with a warm embrace. “I knew you could win this! Congratulations. I know you will be a wonderful mother to little Destiny. Here are the release papers. The doctor signed them earlier. You can take your baby home, Miss Kay!” Together, they bundled the baby into her shiny new carrier.

Makayla leaned forward and kissed Destiny’s forehead softly. “You get your happily ever after, Child. It’s about time somebody did.” She straightened up and faced the proud new mother. “Kay, you two come visit me sometime, you hear?” She brushed a happy tear from her face and grinned. “Get outta here, Girl. What are you waitin’ for? You’ve spent more time in here than any healthy person should.”

Kay laughed, scooped up the carrier and started down the hall. “That is for certain. Bye, Makayla! Thanks for everything.”

As she buckled the car seat into her car, tears suddenly sprang to her eyes. “God, thank you for this baby you’ve given me.” She prayed out loud during the short drive home, listening in wonderment to the incredible sound of contented cooing coming from behind her.

 To be continued…