Perfect, innocent thing
so helpless and young
swaddled in my womb
my mind imagines you so perfectly
and my heart wishes you here so desperately
that sometimes I almost think it is so
Soft, downy thing
so tiny and warm
nestled against my breast
my senses conjure you so perfectly
and my soul dreams of you so desperately
that sometimes I almost think you never left
Many of you know that in July, I realized, with great joy, that I was expecting a baby. My husband and I found out today that our little baby has died in my womb.
Several days ago, when I began to suspect that a miscarriage was eminent, I wrote a letter to the baby. I wanted to share it will all of you.
(Just a quick explanation, during first ultrasound, the baby’s heartbeat looked just like a firefly, blinking happy and strong on the screen. Thus, the nickname, “Firefly”.)
Dearest Little One,
I don’t know whether you are a boy or girl, what color your eyes or hair will be, or what your personality is like. But Sweety, your Mommy loves you so very much! I want to hold you so badly… to look into your eyes and tell you how very special you are. And I know, no matter what happens, someday, I will get to do those things.
Right now, your Mommy is very scared that she is losing you, but the truth is, no matter if you are born into this world alive, or just are carried into that other perfect place without me, I won’t be losing you. I’ll know where you are.
I’m so glad that I know Jesus, because I know that He loves you, even more than I do. The mother’s heart beating in my chest, loves you with every fiber, but Jesus’ heart is so much bigger than mine.
I hope I get to see you in seven months, but if I don’t, please know that I’m going to see you in what may only feel like days to you. I won’t forget you, if that happens. But, I won’t dishonor your memory by allowing myself to become bitter and angry either. I will remember you with love, pure love, and though I will miss you, I will know you are safely home, in the most loving arms.
See you sometime, my little Firefly,
Hugs and kisses,