I close my eyes
And something dies
Reality doesn’t match these lies
I speak with sighs
My heart won’t rise
Held down with hidden ties
I’m not awake
I cannot break
Can’t let go for your sake
Is it fake
This choice I make
To give and give and never take
I love you so
I hope you know
I pray you never meet my inner foe
I want you to grow
To shine and glow
To be who you are and let it show
Moments mapped on skin
Wrinkled, sun-kissed, thin
Years of hopes and dreams
Bursting at the seams
Wisdom in her eyes
Wistful tired sighs
As I reminisce
How can I say this
Silent, I sit here
Choking back a tear
So much is unsaid
Swirling in my head
Looking at her face
My heart trapped in place
Her arms were my nest
When I was distressed
She was always there
Strong and full of care
Is this our last hug
Quiet, safe, and snug
Not ready to grieve
I don’t want to leave
Maybe if I hide
Very deep inside
Time will stop and wait
Before it’s too late
listen
young one
to the things of the past
learn
from me
to build things that last
love
this truth
you need roots to hold fast
Many of you know that in July, I realized, with great joy, that I was expecting a baby. My husband and I found out today that our little baby has died in my womb.
Several days ago, when I began to suspect that a miscarriage was eminent, I wrote a letter to the baby. I wanted to share it will all of you.
(Just a quick explanation, during first ultrasound, the baby’s heartbeat looked just like a firefly, blinking happy and strong on the screen. Thus, the nickname, “Firefly”.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dearest Little One,
I don’t know whether you are a boy or girl, what color your eyes or hair will be, or what your personality is like. But Sweety, your Mommy loves you so very much! I want to hold you so badly… to look into your eyes and tell you how very special you are. And I know, no matter what happens, someday, I will get to do those things.
Right now, your Mommy is very scared that she is losing you, but the truth is, no matter if you are born into this world alive, or just are carried into that other perfect place without me, I won’t be losing you. I’ll know where you are.
I’m so glad that I know Jesus, because I know that He loves you, even more than I do. The mother’s heart beating in my chest, loves you with every fiber, but Jesus’ heart is so much bigger than mine.
I hope I get to see you in seven months, but if I don’t, please know that I’m going to see you in what may only feel like days to you. I won’t forget you, if that happens. But, I won’t dishonor your memory by allowing myself to become bitter and angry either. I will remember you with love, pure love, and though I will miss you, I will know you are safely home, in the most loving arms.
See you sometime, my little Firefly,
Hugs and kisses,
Mommy
Our one and only picture of our baby, "Firefly".
Looking for the beginning of Kay’s Story?
I’m going to be a mother!
This statement of realization is usually followed by another eight or so months of pregnancy for most women. For Kay, it was her giddy chant as she made her way down the steps of the courthouse. She practically skipped all the way to her car.
The process wasn’t completely over yet, there was still a six month trial period before the adoption could be finalized. But today was the beginning! Today, Destiny Marie was coming home!
At the hospital, Makayla greeted her with a warm embrace. “I knew you could win this! Congratulations. I know you will be a wonderful mother to little Destiny. Here are the release papers. The doctor signed them earlier. You can take your baby home, Miss Kay!” Together, they bundled the baby into her shiny new carrier.
Makayla leaned forward and kissed Destiny’s forehead softly. “You get your happily ever after, Child. It’s about time somebody did.” She straightened up and faced the proud new mother. “Kay, you two come visit me sometime, you hear?” She brushed a happy tear from her face and grinned. “Get outta here, Girl. What are you waitin’ for? You’ve spent more time in here than any healthy person should.”
Kay laughed, scooped up the carrier and started down the hall. “That is for certain. Bye, Makayla! Thanks for everything.”
As she buckled the car seat into her car, tears suddenly sprang to her eyes. “God, thank you for this baby you’ve given me.” She prayed out loud during the short drive home, listening in wonderment to the incredible sound of contented cooing coming from behind her.
To be continued…
The Wisdom of Gavroche 